The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
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[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
My current situation
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.