The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
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I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.