The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
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Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
2022: I can fix it
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.