The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
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Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
what kind of cook setting is this??
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Oh no
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.