The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
You Might Also Like
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
LMAO.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it