The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
You Might Also Like
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.