The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
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911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Very good news from my accountant
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.