The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click