The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
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Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.