The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
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If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)