@Dani_Feld
@AngieDavisHaha When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
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@AngieDavisHaha 
@EricaWhoToYou Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
@IvoryGazelle *reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
@mommajessiec The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
@see_more13 At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
@WilliamAder What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
@slimmy_shady Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
@CherBear162 Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
@shutupmikeginn if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
@1_swarthy_dude 83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.