The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

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When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.


Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*


*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule


The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.


At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”


What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?


Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.


Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”


if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun


83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.