@Dani_Feld

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

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@AngieDavisHaha

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

@EricaWhoToYou

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

@IvoryGazelle

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

@mommajessiec

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

@see_more13

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

@WilliamAder

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

@slimmy_shady

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

@CherBear162

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

@shutupmikeginn

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

@1_swarthy_dude

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.