The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
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Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.