The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
You Might Also Like
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Meow
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry