The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
You Might Also Like
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”