The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
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I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?