the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
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(Jupiter –
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
The symmetry is uncanny.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?