The Wolf of Wall Street.
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[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund