the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
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“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
hi why am I like this
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
rapatouille
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered