The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
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JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!