The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
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Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.