The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
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[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.