Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

When the skirt was invented women only had one leg

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.

Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.