The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
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*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*