the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
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“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”