The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
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I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit