The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
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Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
For cardio I live beyond my means.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
If snakes were wide
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time