The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
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[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Bless you
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
This made me chuckle.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.