The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
You Might Also Like
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Body by cheese-puffs.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.