The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
You Might Also Like
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey