The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
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Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
dutch is not a serious language
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Hello Twits.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath