The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
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“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.