The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
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I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
bury ourselves
A dead goose is called a ghoost
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills