The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
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Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Can’t stop laughing
When news reporters do sports stories
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I only treason on days ending in y
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.