The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
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me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
you gotta be faster
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I’m awake but I object,