The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
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DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
No. YOU-buprofen.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.