The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
You Might Also Like
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
still the best tweet of the year by far
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting