The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
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ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
reduce, reuse, recycle
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.