THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
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The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders