The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
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I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Why I divorced her.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?