The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
You Might Also Like
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
This is my bus stop.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?