The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
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Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
is frankincense just very honest incense?