The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
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Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Wait a minute
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.