The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
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I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”