The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
You Might Also Like
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.