the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
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Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
How high do the levels go?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
X-tra spooky blend
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
I wish this was real life…
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to