The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
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Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.