@peachontwitta

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

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@kelkulus

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

@jonnysun

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

@newLettuce

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

@briangaar

Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]

@trashcanbee

Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly

@NicCageMatch

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.