I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
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opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.