the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
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wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n