The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
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“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Meow?
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text