The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
You Might Also Like
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
This woman is my idol. Free her.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.