you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
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I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Leonardo DiCaprisun
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂