The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
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Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Pot warmers of the day.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.