the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
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*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Yup.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?